“…No, no. I think I felt a bit unwell after dinner last night. That’s why I went to bed early… It seems to still linger today. For lunch…”

I paused, rolling my eyes over the dining table. There were dishes with beef and potatoes, grilled asparagus with butter, and a salad with apple dressing…

“I should just have that salad. I feel bad, you prepared all this.”

“Oh no, Miss. Your well-being is what matters most. Then, shall I just fetch some digestive medicine? That should help, right?”

“…Yes, please.”

Jane nodded and hurriedly left the room. As the door closed, I slowly picked up my fork.

After finishing the winter vegetables, I thought to myself, money does bring good things.

Filling my head with such pointless thoughts, I put the salad bite in my mouth.

The dressing was refreshing, but it felt bitter to me.

The meat I had last night was the last meat in my life. Another thing in my life has disappeared.

After a brief meal, I received digestive medicine from Jane.

“It’s the day before our trip, and you’re feeling unwell.”

Jane, handing me the digestive medicine, looked worried. It made me feel a bit better.

It’s nice to be worried about, even for something minor when I’m secretly sick. Maybe I secretly craved that attention.

“It’s just a minor discomfort. I’ll be fine by tomorrow. More than that, thank you for the digestive medicine.”

Only after I smiled did Jane’s worried expression ease.

No, it wasn’t just easing.

Jane’s eyes rounded with excitement as she tapped her toes on the floor like someone thrilled.

“Don’t mention it. By the way, Miss! I’ve prepared your clothes for tomorrow… would you like to check them?”

I shook my head while taking the digestive aid.

If Jane prepared them, I didn’t feel the need to check.

Understanding my thoughts, Jane nodded without any sign of disappointment.

“Tomorrow is really exciting.”

“We’ve been to the lake before.”

“Just, just. It’s my first winter lake visit. Oh, I hope it snows!”

Jane continued the conversation while naturally clearing away the empty bottle.

Her tapping toes and the unusually excited tone in her voice showed how much she was looking forward to it.

“If it snows, it’ll be cold.”

“But it’ll be beautiful.”

Beautiful, yes. It will be terribly beautiful. I nodded with a bitter smile.

“You’re looking forward to it too, Miss?”

At Jane’s cheerful question, I just smiled. It was a sign of agreement in my own way.

After Jane left the room, I took out my art supplies from a corner of the room.

Yesterday, I only managed to draw a few lines. I need to be more diligent… I’ll be away from home for the next four days, and after that… who knows when I’ll be able to paint again.

Like yesterday, I took a seat in front of the mirror, holding a pencil in my hand.

My reflection in the mirror looked brighter than yesterday. That’s good. Thankfully it was good. It should be good.

The painting that will go on top of my coffin on my final journey… It would be nice to be painted with a bright face. The last memory should be with rosy cheeks.

Yes, indeed.

I smiled, though the corners of my mouth felt stiff and awkward.

Yet, I smiled. Let’s keep smiling tomorrow.

Happily. To become happy. To be able to be happy.

To shake off this immediate fear again.

To cast everything away and enjoy a peaceful everyday life tranquilly.

However, even this small wish of mine was cruelly trampled by God.

Therefore, I was certain. There is no God.

Or, if there is, He must hate me so much.

* * *

The night before the trip. I went to bed early.

To be honest, I had been restless for a while. I slept but it felt like a shallow sleep.

My body condition worsened day by day, and the loss of things that came with it.

The sense of loss from these made my resolve to live positively and keep smiling quickly fade.

I closed my eyes feeling like I was sinking into a dark abyss. But tonight was different.

I fell asleep feeling the soft bed and gentle blanket, filled with excitement for the next day.

Thinking only about the trip we would start tomorrow afternoon.

I woke up before the break of dawn. In the pitch-black night. Only the shadow of the moon flickered behind the thick curtains.

There was no sign like a nightmare or sleep paralysis. The pain quickly rose from my toes and gripped my throat.

In the dark, I felt as if I was facing the red-eyed glare of the High Priest.

‘You said you would die.’

I seemed to hear a mocking whisper.

I couldn’t struggle. I couldn’t even roll my eyes. I just lay stiffly, feeling the pain like a dead body.

“Huu… hu… huu…”
“흐으……흐……흐으…… ”

Only a harsh groan like the sound of metal managed to escape my burning throat.

My neck was damp with cold sweat.

My forehead was cold, and my toes were hot.

“Uh-ugh… uh…”

After several deep groans and sighs, I could finally wiggle my body.

My joints and muscles screamed as if they were going to snap.

It felt like my eyes were going to turn inside out.

Why do I have to suffer like this? Why is this happening to me? Couldn’t I just have died quietly in three years?

Is this a punishment? A punishment for taking life lightly?

Punishment for driving nails into my family’s hearts several times?

“Hu-ohk… hahk… uh…”

I would rather die.

Death seemed better. There would be no pain after death.

The burning pain rushed to my chest.

Even the beating of my heart was painful.

But, I must not die.

I’m in enough pain to die, so much pain that dying seems better, but… I must not die today.

It’s the day of the trip. The family is all excited. Jane was so thrilled, too. The lake will be beautiful, and I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to smile.

But… can I? Will I be able to?

Engulfed in pain, my mind was getting dizzy. It was as if someone was kneading my brain.

The immense pain halted even my ability to think.

With my mind a blank, I clawed at my chest where, undoubtedly, petals should be blooming. I thrashed around in bed, and soon, I fell off.

Crash.

Having landed somewhat loudly on the floor, I propped myself up on trembling knees.

At the same time, something clattered to the floor.

__